I have taken it upon myself present an obituary of the ever beloved PlayStation 2. However, as you will no doubt discover whilst reading through this solemn piece of prose, there are those living amongst us who hold this device in small regard and think nothing of its passing. Think of this as an accumulation of our collective thoughts. Undying, yearning devotion transposed against sheer, palpable, apathy. I present to you two minds, born alike in fair standing and stead, whose experiences have led them on treacherous paths.
Smee
I met my wife in on Christmas Day in the dying month of the prosperous, optimistic year of 2000. We were introduced by my parents who, as is our tradition, had wrapped her in pretty ribbons and colourful paper and left her below a plastic tree. I was ten years old and completely unprepared to deal with meeting the most wonderful being I had ever – and will ever – meet. We played all sorts of games, fondling her shiny buttons, molesting her sleek indentations with my grubby fingers. The things I did with that CD tray, she really helped me understand who I was and who I could become. Without her I wouldn't be the well-adjusted gentleman you see today.
When things eventually got dull I admit we did begin to invest in some accessories. We got the vibrating pads and experimented with filming ourselves, well, doing it. I could tell she loved it, I could tell that every new facet of our lives that we shared together brought us closer. That every kink I explored with her was a new adventure, one that mere processors and electric chirps could never replicate. The eyetoy was an interesting time for us, I was never really into it, but she really loved it. It slipped right in and she was so excited. This was the first time that she could see me, the first time that I became as real for her as she was to me. It was magical.
The best feeling though was knowing we were not alone, that there were millions of people out there who felt exactly the same way we did. That we didn’t have to slip out into seedy realms of filth and disrepute, but share our feelings, share our cravings directly with one another. For my love, my one true desire, could reach out beyond the screen and transport us both into the loves and lives of everyone else with an internet connection. I remained loyal though, always keeping her warm at night, keeping her light shining bright. I even left the eyetoy on, so that she would always be able to keep an eye on me. We were always together, even if we didn’t play as much as we did, we were forever bonded. Connected, but not by wires but by something deeper, our souls were one.
Her death was inevitable. We both knew it was coming. When they stopped producing activities for her we knew the end was nigh, but we held on. Nostalgia was always our strongest force and I was willing to fight, but she wasn't. The fight had gone. She slipped into a deep, dark void which I couldn’t fetch her from. Crash had become a shadow of his former self, Spyro too had abandoned us. The golden age was fading into the new, one of a much deeper darkness and cold, soulless silver.
Ol’ 2 Belts
Taken out back and shot. Hopefully this opening line will provide a brief glimpse on my thoughts on the aforementioned situation. That of course being the quick, painless demise of the sleek and slender Mistress known as the PlayStation 2. It was an unusually tepid Thursday morning on the 31st of March 2016, I arose from an unwary slumber and robotically prepared my nutritious morning feast of coffee and cigarettes. I smacked at switches and knobs until life poured into The Obsidian Obelisk before me. I wiped the gristle from my eyes, the snot from my beard, and opened Microsoft Edge. Thus beginning my morning routine of searching for a glimmer of hope in the cesspit of internet chatter. As smoke furled from my nose and floated carelessly towards the screen, I noticed something most unexpected: The once Great Leviathan of my teenage years had been dragged outside and summarily executed. With the tone set, my reaction to this news is undoubtedly questionable. To be blunt, my choice in vernacular in regard to its demise should shed sufficient light upon this enquiry. Do not regard this as a hero’s exit. The PS2 shall not be dining in the halls of its fathers. It will lie upon the garbage heap, cast aside, waiting to be forgotten.
I’m sure any and all opinions of this circumstance fall somewhere in between that of our two compatriots. Though we can be sure that Sony won’t shed many tears at its departure, the oncoming shitstorm that Modular Upgrades will provoke shall definitely give Sony plenty of reasons to cry.
Written by Matt Jones & Joseph Michael
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